Issue Under Fire: Slackers Unite Against Immigration Reform

Issue Under Fire: Slackers Unite Against Immigration Reform 

Sitting in a bar on the upper West Side of Manhattan, we watched President Obama unveiled his plans to address the United States' broken immigration system. Like any fair minded Slacker, until the details sunk in, we were all for welcoming our friends and neighbors into the fold. Knowing how rough living life on the down-low could be, our philosophy has always been: WTF, hook-em up!   

But as we dipped our chips in salsa and threw back more than a few margaritas, someone was overheard saying how much the country would benefit from honest, hard working, dedicated, productive immigrants, seeking a chance to contribute to America. At first, few amongst us made the connection, but when we did, it was on! Some of us were outright stunned, while others were outright outraged at the prospect of embracing people like this.  

What if some of these honest, hard working, dedicated and productive immigrant types started showing up where we work some day? It could only lead to trouble. The immigrants will not only be there to work, but they'd be there working hard. We could be looking at an outright clash of civilizations.

Imagine the bastards arriving early at their work spaces, skipping lunch and staying long after the Slackers have skedaddled for the day. Imagine these ambitious, overachievers completing projects and assignments on time, while meeting their targets, goals and quotas every month. Imagine the immigrant doing all that work for half the compensation. Immigrants like these could give the American employer ideas. This is a Slacker's nightmare. 

We had Slackers sharing their stories of having worked along side undocumented immigrants. There were horrid tales of immigrants refusing to cover for those chilling, drinking and carousing on the job. Others would refused to pilfer office supplies or even an pad expense account and would rat out anybody that did. Another Slacker volunteered an especially sad account of being outed by an immigrant worker for smoking weed in the company bathroom. Honest my ass. No Slacker in his or her right mind would ever trust or confide in these S.O.B.s.

After a few more shots of Tequila and Mescal, we came to the conclusion, that these people are a serious threat. Immigrants like these must be stopped and by any means necessary. We can't have people like this contaminating America's workforce with a strong work ethic. We can't allow them to establish infectious values like accountability and responsibility. Under no circumstances, will motivated go-getters, with can do attitudes be tolerated in any work environment where Slackers are employed. 

In order to preserve the Slackers way of life, we held an emergency meeting right there in the bar. With more shots of Tequila and Mescal to steady our thoughts, we spent the rest of the evening concocting a strategy to sabotage the president's efforts. He can't get away with cherry picking the best and the brightest immigrants, only to force American workers to compete with them. Hell, some of these immigrants are really smart!

We've decided to join the GOP in suing President Obama for this blatant constitutional overreach, we'll now settle for nothing less than 50 foot stone walls encompassing the entire continental United States, we're seeking impeachment proceedings as soon possible and reigniting an investigation into the validity of the President's birth certificate. Yes, we are now ready to accept the possibility that President Obama is a closet illegal himself. 

Bottom line: Admittedly, we may be making a deal with the Devil, but we can not permit as many as 5 million honest, hard working, dedicated and productive immigrants to remain in this country. The very thought of it, would deal a devastating blow to goldbricking deadbeats all over the America. The dream would truly be dead.

So, we know you'll excuse our absence today, for the news was too shocking to handle and the resulting hangover didn't help matters either. We'll C-Ya Monday, sober or not! 

BTW, as per usual, we've left you another great episode of Rocky Jordan, entitled "Gold Fever". In this fast paced adventure, Rocky finds himself looking for gold in all the wrong places, with the Egyptian authorities on his tail for a free ride. If you enjoy it, please share it. Podcast Below!