Issues Under Fire: God is on Vacation, Please Leave A Message

Issues Under Fire: God is on Vacation, Please Leave A Message 

As you may recall, last Friday was another day out of the studio, with only the most implausible excuse for the absence. Realizing, an obvious pattern has been established, it seems only logical, to fess up and reveal the truth about what really happens on Fridays.

It all started a few years ago, when God tapped me on the shoulder as I was exiting a bar on the upper West Side in Manhattan. Thinking the guy was just some hard luck type, I broke him off a fiver and thought I was on my way. Unfortunately, on my way was not in the cards this day, as within the blink of an eye (or less), I found myself sitting on a bench in Central Park with this guy calling himself God. 

Staring into the most somber set of eyes, I could actually feel the weight of the world  he carried with him. I instantly knew, this guy God was the real deal. However, being a New Yorker, I still asked God for some I.D. just to be on the safe side. Two years prior, I'd lost a small fortune playing Three-card Monte with a guy named Jesus and his friend Angel. How was I to know they were just a couple of Puerto Ricans from the Bronx? 

After changing my bottled water into a fine chablis and that fiver I'd given him into a crisp fifty, I was ready to listen. God told me, he'd been working really hard and had decided he was going on a four day work schedule. Considering the state of the world, I am thinking (to myself of course) perhaps God should be coming in on Saturdays instead of taking off Fridays. But, not wanting to get God anymore upset than he already appeared to be, I kept it to myself. 

God went on to explain, he needed somebody he could depend on to fill in for him while he got some overdue rest and relaxation. God said, after careful consideration he chose me to keep an eye on the world for him over the weekends. Well of course, I was flattered, flabbergasted and floored at the suggestion. I was also a little pissed because he wanted me to start that weekend. When I asked God how much the job paid and what did I have to do, he gave me a pained look as though I'd disappointed him. 

Look G., I told him, I don't know how you run your program in heaven, but we earthlings work for money. Exasperated, God said the gig would be easy. All I had to do, would be to monitor his personal prayer line. He said any time a prayer was uploaded, my cell phone would ring. God said to just listen, but for Christ's sake, don't ever answer.

God went on to say, nobody ever really expects a response from God and even if they'd got one, it'd only scare the bejesus out of them. Sure, I could do that, I said, but what about my compensation? Here's where God's pitch began to get shaky. 

God started talking a bunch of pie in the sky hooey because no earthly reward would fully compensate me for taking on the weight of the world. It sounded like a line (I thought to myself of course), but I let him have his say. Could I trust God I wondered? Was I being a sucker? Hell, this guy could be off partying like its 2099, while I am stuck listening to some bastard on death row praying for pictures of nude women. Still, after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to do it as a favor to God and just trust him for the money. After all, if you can't trust God... 

Bottom line: Since the truth has finally been told, you should understand, any prayers you utter to God over the weekend are being filtered by me. If you want God to hear your prayers on Monday, you'd be wise to pay me up front today.

Now you should know, I can only promise God will hear your prayers, but I make no guarantee those prayers will ever be answered. You'll have to trust me on this or just leave a message and hope for the best. C-Ya Monday. God willing! 

BTW, as usual, we left another cool episode of Rocky Jordan. Cool calm and always collected, Rocky Jordan, Cairo club owner takes care of his business with a .38, a left jab and a solid right hook. Rarely is anything else needed. In this fast paced episode entitled "Up in Flames", when things get hot, Rocky turns up the heat. Enjoy and share.