Issues Under Fire: Serial Chiller Slack Slacker Takes Hostages

Serial Chiller Slack Slacker Takes Hostages 

Don't be alarmed by the headline; it was just to get your attention. While the staff here at RetroVision Media is currently being detained against our will, we know Slack Slacker is only doing this at the behest of his dog, Doobie, a radicalized Yorkie. Believe it or not, all the suspicious tales Slack has told to explain his Friday absences have been confirmed. Doobie, Slack's radicalized Yorkshire Terrier, is real, and he is extremely dangerous. 

A mere pawn in the rabid paws of this vicious killer recently back from organizing a counterattack against ISIS using the Afghan Taliban as his own private army, Slack had no choice but to do whatever Doobie says. Slack tried to warn everyone about Doobie, but who in their right mind would believe stories like this? Since Slack got most of his work done within four days, most just shrugged his stories off as harmless lies. 

Unfortunately, we found out too late when Doobie was allowed to pass through security and enter the building without being searched. Had anyone taken Slack seriously just once, we wouldn't be sitting here bound, gagged, and at the mercy of a mad, crazy Yorkie. Hopped up on Afghan heroin and appearing excitable, unpredictable, and definitely unstable, this situation could turn into a bloodbath at any moment. 

Right now, we're all just calmly as possible, waiting for Doobie to provide a list of demands to the authorities. The sooner that happens, the sooner the negotiations can get underway. Things are tense. The staff is nervous. Some are even paralyzed with fear. But all of us want to know what Doobie wants in exchange for our lives.  

To his credit, Slack did try to slip out for help, but Doobie had all the exit doors booby-trapped with IEDs (improvised explosive devices). Never letting go of his AK-47 and constantly on his cell phone, growling and barking orders to cohorts, it's become terrifyingly apparent that Doobie is not alone. Hell, Doobie was bad enough when acting as a lone wolf, but when he's running with a pack, this crew could prove to be too much for local and federal forces. The President may have to authorize the national guard to intervene. 

When Homeland Security agents tried to send a surveillance drone in the building to get eyes on conditions, one of Doobie's sniper pals took it down with one shot. We never saw where that shot came from, and much to our dismay, neither did Homeland Security. There was no doubt about it; Doobie was in complete control, and he was the ringleader.  

What happens next is impossible to predict, but one thing is for sure: There will be no edition of Issues Under Fire posted or podcasted today. If it's God's will, we'll be back on Monday.