Since it's no secret a Donald Trump presidency is a horror many Americans are dreading, we thought it might be helpful for America and the world, to face its worse fear by forecasting what a Trump presidency would look and feel like. However, in order to obtain enough information to accurately predict the state of the nation and the world after the 100 days of Trump being in the White House, we had to get into his head. No really, we had to do a Vulcan Mind Meld. And BTW, we don't recommend you try this at home yourselves.
Daring to go where no man or woman should've, we took an unauthorized tour of Donald Trump's mind and the stuff we found was absolutely astounding. Believe it not, "The Donald" really does have a viable plan to build a 40 foot wall on the southern border of the United States. But his plan doesn't stop there. The southern wall is just meant to keep Mexicans out. Donald Trump will build a northern wall as well to keep Americans from fleeing to Canada. "The Donald" may be crazy, but he's no fool. Trump knows the best and brightest will seek asylum from the asylum as soon as the madness starts.
At the risk of causing considerable damage to our own mental stability, we continued the merge of minds until we found out how Donald Trump intends to put Americans back to work en masse. Since the "Trump Wall" will encircle the entire country and require millions to guard and monitor it, any American between the ages of five and seventy-five will be compelled to be a part of the project. Trump feels paying $3.75 per hour for a 14 hour workday, these workers will be so grateful for a job that guarantees lifetime employment, they won't even care they'll be responsible for their own shotgun shells, guard dog rations and health insurance.
When it comes to women, those who qualify as a 9 or 10 on Trump's beauty scale will climb the ladder of success the fastest. But only if they're wearing really short skirts so he can monitor their progress rung by rung. All others will be labeled beastie babes and assigned to roadwork crews way out in the countryside. Hey, somebody has to refurbish America's crumbling infrastructure.
Other opportunities for women with less than front-office appearance will be careers in the military. A military draft is being considered now and beastie babes unable or unwilling to work "The Wall" are encouraged to register for selective service before the recruiters come and take them by force.
While we knew we'd seen more than enough to confirm Trump's lunacy and should break the telepathic connection to preserve what little sense we had left, the lure of understanding what Donald Trump had planned for the rest of the world was too strong to walk away from. We found Trump planning to pull out of the United Nations in order to give the United States more flexibility and autonomy should he find war necessary. And since war is always Trump's first option, he'll refuse to have his actions hampered or scrutinized by the international community. The U.N. building will be demolished and replaced with ultra luxury residential skyscrapers for the ultra rich and famous.
Having already pissed off the entire Middle East, key words and phrases like paranoia, terror threat levels, terror attacks, racial profiling, enhanced interrogation techniques, torture, 24/7 surveillance, secret police and Muslim interment camps will be commonplace. Already aware his policies won't be popular, the White House will be turned into a fortress. Trump will have enemies both real and imagined everywhere. And it's the imagined enemies he'll find most dangerous. Unhinged and unable to trust anyone, Trump will rely on a close-nit click of like-minded madmen for advice and counsel. Unfortunately, with the mad leading the madness, nothing good can come from this.
Still, after delving deeply into the bizarre mind of Donald Trump, one would think we'd be sounding the alarm. One would think we'd be packing our bags, planning an escape or hunkering down for endless waves of conflict, chaos and uncertainty. But oddly enough, we don't feel that way at all.
Bottom line: Perhaps we stayed too long or saw too much, because after facing our fears, we say a Donald Trump presidency will be wildly exciting and full of unknowns as he takes the nation right up to the brink of total destruction. It'll be like riding on the world's largest roller-coaster, knowing it could fly off the tracks at any time. You might be scared shitless every moment, but you won't be bored for a second. Podcast below!
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