Slack Slacker Advises Millennials Not to Work Hard for B.S. Wages
As the Clinton and Trump campaigns step up efforts to gain support from millennials (America's next generation of suckers), we thought it'd be helpful to offer some sage advice based upon the outcomes of previous generations. No matter what's being proposed or promised by either candidate, if you're an American millennial capable of doing the math, you'll find your future is quite predictable. If you're not, don't worry; just keep reading.
American workers are losing "the battle of the wage" as corporate entities strengthen their position over labor through globalization, favorable immigration policies, and corporate-friendly international trade agreements. If you're an average American millennial with an average education and skill set, you'll end up working for an average hourly wage. Hourly wage jobs are often taken as a bridge to a better opportunity, but we all know how reality kills dreams. If you're average, these are facts you'll just have to accept.
If one simply multiplies the maximum number of hours the average millennial is capable of working over a lifetime, by a very predictable declining rate of compensation during that period, one will quickly see, annual vacations, a home of one's own and piano lessons for the kids are dreams that'll never be realized. The message of working hard, playing by the rules, and doing the right thing will net the average American millennial nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and disappointment. Again, these too are facts you'll just have to accept.
Still, all is not lost for the average American millennial if they take the advice of seasoned slackers. These are people who've managed to beat, manipulate, and convince employers they're hard at work, when in reality, they're hardly working at all. And why should they? Who in their right mind is going to give their all, slaving at mind-numbing, backbreaking labor for a lousy $10-$11 bucks an hour? Because time is precious and irreplaceable, the slacker is going to give the employer exactly what they're paying for: the bare minimum. And even less, whenever possible.
Since the decline of unions and the protections they provided average workers, big business has had its way with American labor. When troublemakers (anyone pressing for higher wages or better working conditions) are routinely cut out of the herd so examples can be made of them, others quickly fall in line to curry favor with the employer. Dividing to conquer is an age-old tactic used in business to keep production up and labor costs down. This is why slackers need to unite.
While the average American millennial may face a lifetime of long hours at low wages, there's no reason they should work themselves to death doing it. Think of how powerful a network of like-minded slackers could be in a mid-to-large sized corporate environment, if they'd all work together. Imagine covering each other's asses fudging time cards, reporting phony worker's compensation claims or looking the other way when company supplies are being pilfered. If no one rats, over time, businesses will get the message. You pay the minimum, and you get the minimum. And so will your customers.
Think about it. A low-wage leader like the McDonald's Corporation could be forced to reevaluate their policy of paying average crew workers $ 8.24 per hour. In New York City, this is little more than a slave's wage. With few safeguards against corporate exploitation and capitalism running amok in America, workers uniting to do as little as possible may be the only weapon left to increase their value. Any hard-working lackeys kissing butt to get ahead will be dealt with severely. Drugs can be planted in lockers, vicious rumors started, and if that doesn't work, a sexual harassment issue will usually get the job done.
Bottom line: No matter who you are, your life on this planet is limited to a few decades (at best), and even that isn't guaranteed. Only a sucker would spend that life working like a dog for peanuts in the hopes that one day all that effort will amount to the American Dream. It won't. Slackers have done the math, and it just doesn't add up. If you're determined to be a go-getter, don't do it for anyone but yourself. Be a Slacker, not Sucker
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