Slack Slacker Meet the Creepy Midget Clowns
It was about 4:00 PM when office manager KLB left the building for a hastily organized meeting with company execs to address poor performance issues. Somehow, it had come to the attention of upper management that some employees may be blatantly abusing the company's liberal time off policies. Since those performance issues were tracked directly to our unit, even I knew showing up for work this Friday was a must. I liked KLB and I didn't want her to look bad. So, Iam, begging you, accept the following explanation for my absence today.
Me and my best bud Slick had the usual plans for free Tequila & Chips on Thursdays at our favorite spot on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. So, after grabbing my cell, jacket, and a few bum bucks for the down and outs on the corner, ten minutes later, it was a wild cab ride uptown. Meeting Slick at the bar, he ordered the first rounds while we ignored dire news reports of Hurricane Matthew on the flat screen. And we weren't alone in our insensitivity to others facing danger because after a few more shots, everybody in the bar wanted to change the channel. So, we did.
When a grizzly graphic of the creepiest clown I'd ever seen popped up on the screen, both Slick and I told Lumpy Louie (the bartender) to pump up the volume. So, he did. The reporter was saying sightings of crazy creepy clowns were being reported to police all over the country. Some of the drunken patrons were laughing out loud, while others were clearly feeling uneasy. Slick was by far the drunkest between us, so he was laughing the loudest. I wasn't so amused though. It's too early for Halloween and I never liked clowns. I always thought a creep was hiding behind the makeup.
As Slick slurred sloppily, making fun of my obvious fears, I continued to follow the story with others sharing my concern. The reporter said a machete-wielding clown tried to lure a woman into a wooded area in Forsyth County. In Winston-Salem there's increased police presence in certain areas after two children claimed they were offered candy by a clown if they'd follow it into the woods. In Ebensburg, PA., a woman caught a peeping-Tom clown peering through her window. And York College sent a safety alert out to the campus – a reaction deemed necessary after receiving eight different clown reports since September 24th. More sightings have been reported in Virginia, Ohio, Wisconsin, and, most recently, here in New York State.
While I'd been fixated on this creepy clown invasion story, I hadn't noticed how many shots Slick had downed, but from the glass tower he'd built with the empties, it was definitely time to call it an evening. I had to go to work in the morning and I wanted to be there early for a change. I couldn't let KLB down. Fortunately, it didn't take much convincing when I suggested we grab a cab. Unfortunately, when we exited the spot, the only thing that remotely resembled a car for hire, was a tiny little clown buggy. It was weird. There was no way two full-sized guys like Slick and I could fit into this goofy thing, so we decided to stumble our way home. "No thanks", we say to the tiny driver and we were on our way. Or so we thought.
As we continued up the block, we noticed we were being followed. The little clown buggy kept beeping its horn to get our attention. Instinctively, I knew we should ignore the little clown buggy and keep walking. So we did. But the little clown buggy was persistent. It wouldn't go away. This was getting creepy now. When we got to a one-way street, Slick said turn here, knowing the little clown buggy couldn't legally follow. But it did. And that's when panic set in because the little clown buggy sped up, jumped the curb, and cut us off. That's when shit really got crazy.
Hopping out of the little clown buggy were three 3-foot tall creepy clowns with jagged teeth, bloodshot eyes, and menacing stares that sent chills up my spine. Slick, on the other hand, was still drunk and ready for a fight. Drunks usually are. "I'll kick your little clown asses, you midget mother-fuckers", Slick says. Well, it didn't take a minute to realize I should've done the talking, as just then, more little clown buggies came barreling down the one-way street. Suddenly, we were surrounded by a gang of vicious-looking, creepy midget clowns. And it was plain to see, they didn't like being called midget mother-fuckers because they began encircling us.
Slick, thinking we could easily outrun these little midget mother-fuckers flipped them off and we started running like Olympic class track stars. Still, this was a major miscalculation, because when they gave chase, these little midget mother-fuckers could run really fast, too. Within seconds, they'd tackled Slick's drunk ass, twisted it into a circus pretzel and stuffed him into the trunk of a little clown buggy. But since nobody can run faster from a fight than Slack Slacker, I had no trouble keeping just out of the creepy clowns' reach until I'd made it to my apartment building. After briefly fumbling with the security code, I slammed the door behind me and rushed upstairs. I felt safe. I fell asleep. I dreamt it was all a nightmare.
Unfortunately, when the alarm clock sounded at 6:45 AM, I could hear the creepy midget clowns whispering in the hallway just outside of my apartment door. I knew they were waiting for me, so I called 911. However, the operator said the NYPD was getting calls like this from all over the city. I was told to sit tight until someone could be sent to verify my story. So, as you can see, as much as I wanted to be there for KLB, there's no way in hell I'll be in the office today.
Sincerely, Slack Slacker
Comments
Post a Comment