Issues Under Fire: Donald Trump Has 99 Problems & Every One is a ...
Everybody knows it's a tough job being the leader of the free world. You've got to worry about international terrorism, nuclear threats, defending the country and all of its allies, the global economy, the climate (if you care) and domestic issues, like crime, infrastructure, immigration, the annual budget, the national debt, to say nothing of your political opposition. But Donald Trump's administration has even more stress than the average president whose occupied the Oval Office. Trump has women from all walks of life accusing him of sexual encounters, both consensual and nonconsensual, threatening him with lawsuits and tell-all books. And since one can only imagine what his life is really like behind the scenes, I say, let's use our imaginations today.
Imagine sitting in the living-room of the White House's private living quarters and Cable News is on one of the flat-screens. Trump is known for watching T.V. news incessantly. Unfortunately, it's CNN, not Fox and Friends. It's BREAKING NEWS! Stormy Daniels and her heaving breasts are on an 80-inch monitor strapped to a lie detector with crawling copy at the bottom of the screen reading, "She's Telling the Truth". The news host begins reporting Daniels saying she had unprotected sex with the president. That BITCH! he yells. That dirty whore, he screams while mashing the power button on the remote with rage. The picture fades to black. Only, not fast enough. Melania is standing in the doorway.
Not a word. Just a look. A cold look. A look devoid of emotion. A look Donald Trump has seen before. "Don't believe that sh*t", he says. "They're just trying to take me down," he says. "It's Fake News", "It's Fake News", "It's Fake News", he rants and raves while stomping around the room. "They hate that I won." "It's Hillary Clinton, she's behind this", he mumbles to himself. "Or maybe it's Obama," he says aloud. "You know he hates me." "All Black people hate me." "That Black bastard is probably loving this sh*t." Still, not a word from Melania. But her furrowed brow speaks volumes. It speaks of regret, anger, and shame. This too is a look Donald Trump has seen before. "Go away", he says. "Go away!" And she does. She just turns and walks away. Still, without a word.
Slumped on the sofa and muttering to himself, a secured audio message comes through. It's White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders on the other end. URGENT! "We need to talk," she says. "Now is not a good time," Trump says. "Go away." "Just go away," he says. But Mr. President, this is an emergency, Sanders stutters in fear. We need to talk and we need to talk now. "Damn you, Damn you all," Trump grumbles. "Get in here," he says. Sanders hurries in, stumbling and dropping notes and her tablet while doing so. So, what the fu*k is so important? Nervously Sanders answers. Gloria Allred, Mr. President.
The Washington Post is reporting New York Supreme Court Judge Jennifer G. Schecter just ruled Summer Zervos' defamation case can proceed against you. You remember, Zervos sir. She was one of your celebrity apprentices. You said she was lying when she claimed you "got fresh with her" sir. Sanders caught a glimpse of Trump grinning sheepishly to himself as he relived the moment. Apparently, judge Schecter cited court precedent that says a president is not immune from being sued in federal court for unofficial acts. "The BITCH!" But wait, Mr. President, there's more.
Former Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal just filed a lawsuit against American Media. They're the owners of the National Enquirer. The National Enquirer bought her story but never printed a word of it. McDougal is seeking to be released from a contract she says paid her $150,000 to keep her mouth shut about an alleged affair with you, sir. McDougal's complaint says both the relationship and the cover-up are open secrets. What do I do about this? What do I say? The Press is gonna be all over us on these stories sir. Any ideas? Lie ya dumb-ass. What the fu*k do you think you're getting paid for? Yes, sir, Mr. President. Yes, sir. And she exits as hurriedly as she entered. BITCHES, BITCHES, BITCHES! Trump rants and raves with balled fist banging on a coffee table.
Another secured audio message comes through. It's incoming Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. Mr. President, we need to talk. The Chinese are on the line. They're responding to your steel and aluminum tariffs and preparing for a trade war. I've got the Israelis on the line. They're ready to announce more settlement building on land promised to the Palestinians. I've got the North Koreans on the line. Kim Jong-un says Fu*ck You Round Eye, and I think he means it this time sir. What do I do? What do I say? I just got this job. Any thoughts? Do what I do you dumb son-of-a-bitch. Lie!
Bottom line: Donald Trump doesn't know and Donald Trump doesn't give a sh*t. Because, like Jay-Z, Donald Trump's got 99 problems, but every one of his is a BITCH. Podcast below.
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