National Guard to Defend Border Against Hoards of Honduran Zombies

Issues Under Fire: National Guard to Defend Border Against Hoards of Honduran Zombies

Fake News Alert: Satellite surveillance video shows a slow-moving mass of horrid brown-colored creatures on the move toward America's southern border. Frenzied Fox and Friends reporters are warning U.S. citizens that hungry Honduran zombies are headed this way. Determined to keep America safe, Donald Trump has authorized the National Guard to defend the border if the Mexican government can't, or won't stop them. Mexican authorities say they're doing all they can to slow the progress of thousands of infected migrants determined to breach U.S. security barriers. President Enrique Pena Nieto has ordered his military to kill on sight (KOS), but as in any zombie movie, nothing short of a bullet to the head will be effective. So please, don't take this post lightly. After all, this is a Fake News Alert!

Starving and salivating for the fresh blood of lily White women and children, Fox News is warning Americans living at or near the border to report any suspicious looking strangers to border patrol ASAP. But by all means, do not approach, do not engage and above all, do not offer them a job. Remember, these Hondurans are infected with a horrible contagious virus and there is no known cure. If bitten, touched or even breathed upon by one of these infected migrants, you're f*cked because there is no known cure. We believe initial symptoms are high fever, bloodshot eyes, and frothing at the mouth. Later stages of this Honduran zombie contagion include, but are by no means limited to, a supercharged libido and an insatiable appetite for sexual organs. So guys, don't be stupid.

For those who may fear these crazed Honduran zombies will bite their way through U.S. defenses, you may rest assured, Donald Trump has a plan B. In light of the fact that the National Guard can only provide logistics, surveillance, and assistance in emergency wall repairs because the U.S. military is prevented by law from actually engaging lawbreakers on U.S. soil, Donald Trump has called up Redneck militias from Mississippi, Georgia, Alabama, and Tennessee. However, Texas has been tapped to take the lead since Texas is the toughest border state. These forces aren't restrained by any government regulations dictating the rules of engagement. Armed with AR-15's and M16A2's, Col. Billy Bob Beer Belly's Texas regiment has sworn to protect the Homeland to the last man. 

According to Fox and Friends, America should be proud and confident these true patriots, numbering in the tens of thousands, will serve the nation proudly and get the job done. These backyard, backwood, backward warriors have been preparing for an all-out bloodbath confrontation for decades. When interviewed, Col. Belly said although he's willing to sacrifice his life for his country, his only regret is this fight ain't against the Black Panthers. However, Col. Belly did say, Brown people can be just as much of a threat. Especially the ones from Mexico. In fact, Col. Belly was happy to report he had a sniper unit armed with M24's that had experience shooting Mexicans attempting to swim the Rio Grand to enter the country illegally. "We used to pick them off like ducks in a barrel. Lots of fun too," he said with a smile.

So far, all border states have allowed Donald Trump to deploy the National Guard in defense of the Homeland, except California. Governor Jerry Brown has taken a stand against militarizing California's Mexican border. He refuses to believe the Fox News Alerts. The governor insists there has to be another solution than killing thousands upon thousands of people seeking food and shelter. The governor has yet to be convinced these Brown people are anything but what reputable news organizations have said they are. They're simply massing at the border to peacefully protest America's support for their nation's corrupt president. Unfortunately for Governor Brown, Donald Trump has the power to override California's objections. This is a national emergency. This is a Brown zombie 9/11. These bloodthirsty Honduran zombies, infected with who knows what, want to eat us in the worse way. 

When interviewed by Fox News' Shawn Hannity, Donald Trump said: "If we let just one more Brown person in, they could set off a pandemic." He went on to thank God there was an ocean separating the United States from those sh*thole African countries. Just imagine Black zombies on the loose in America. Our lily White women and children would never be safe walking the streets again. And by the way, according to Donald Trump, this is all Barack Obama's fault for leaving a welcome mat to entice this rabid hoard with promises of a pathway to citizenship. Trump said: "While this is a terrible problem to be left in my lap to solve, I am uniquely qualified to do so." Trump says he's up for the challenge. After all, we're trying to make America great again.

Bottom line: Fear-mongering has reached epidemic levels in America, and it's only getting worse. Fear is like a zombie virus, and there's no vaccine or antidote because unlike a zombie virus, fear isn't created in a lab, fear is created in our minds. Americans are being conditioned to accept and embrace fear as a new way of life. Anyone who doesn't live, look, love or pray like "Americans" is to be treated with extreme caution and suspicion. And once conditioned to fear thy neighbors, mistrust will follow, anger won't be far behind and hate is always the final destination. So, be careful of what you read, watch and hear about "other people" because most of ain't true. Podcast below.